Something’s Missing

Posted on January 4, 2011

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Big Sur - California

I enjoy traveling.  Anything from visiting a park across town to flying across the country.  Most weekends I am out of town or planning my next trip.  Over the holidays I visited my family and friends along the coast from San Diego to San Francisco.  My vacation was over a week long and I wanted to make the most of it.  I get a bit restless staying anywhere for too long and I try to keep moving if I have the chance.  When possible, I take the road less traveled or at least the road that is new to me.  On this road trip that included a drive down the Pacific coast from Monterrey to San Luis Obispo through Big Sur.  The views were absolutely incredible and I felt liberated even as I was smashed between the mountains and the sea.  I felt like I had escaped a mundane world and was rewarded a spectacular show of mother nature.  The wind and waves battered the coast as the rain sprayed my face on the cliffs of the edge of the world.  Nothing else mattered at that moment.  I live for this.

Those moments could last seconds or days.  Life eventually snaps me out of that peace and I have to keep moving.  In this case, I had to keep driving for several more hours in the wind, rain, and darkness.  I made it home safely and I felt like I had been pulled out of a dream that I was really enjoying.  I understand that life is not always that magnificent and that I have to eventually go back to work.  That’s just how it is when you work for a living.  I still crave that peace, however, and the fact that it is so difficult for me to find makes me think that something is missing.

Things have not always been like this.  I have been in places in my life where I was very happy just breathing.  The conditions were perfect.  Obviously, they are not perfect anymore, but they are not bad.  It’s not that I am unhappy or sad every day.  I am in a good mood most days.  My outlook is always positive and I try to reflect that back into the world.  I am doing very well, but I have been happier.  I would like to think that it is not something that only comes at a certain age.  I want to find what it is that I really need in life and what I could do without.  I would also like to understand why moving through the world brings me so much happiness and how I could find that joy at home.

My cable has been disconnected and I am hoping to do a lot more reading at home on my free time.  Maybe traveling through a story will bring me some excitement.  I am looking forward to reading a few Steinbeck novels this year because several of the stories are based in California.  I can’t afford to keep leaving town every time I feel trapped.  Selling and donating a lot of old items I don’t use anymore has brought me a sense of freedom because I was liberated from clutter.  That has helped, but I am still not in a peaceful place as regularly as I would like to be and I just don’t have it figured out yet.  I don’t have the answer.  Perhaps that is why I am still chasing horizons looking for clarity.

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Posted in: My Path