One of the biggest hurdles in my quest to simplify my life’s inputs and outputs is my difficulty with living in the present. There always seems to be a place I need to be or a chore I need to do. My mind is constantly organizing, analyzing, and strategizing my next move. This affects me in every aspect of my life because it applies to everything from eating to pumping gas. My logistical side is always looking for ways to streamline everything. I formulate methods and create steps for simple tasks which I then repeat next time I do the same task. I am sure I am a bit obsessive compulsive, which I think we all are to some degree, but I think the reason I do these things has more to do with efficiency than peace of mind.
Because of these practices I have become a very productive person in life. I have very good organizational skills and it blends well with my career in electro-mechanics. My quirks have never held me back or obstructed my life’s requirements. If anything, they have made me more efficient. The problem I have with this is that I do not want to be a machine. I mean, it would be awesome to be a robot with laser beams coming out of my eyes for a day, but I digress. I only have 100 years to live if I am lucky and I need to get a hold of myself. My mind will not always be this fast or carefully calculated.
A few days ago I was daydreaming of what my life would be when I am much older. It was not pretty. Knowing that my mind would eventually wander and my body will not function correctly scares me. I am not looking forward to it. I figured that if all I have before this darkness comes over me are memories of the past, then I would like them to be complete and pleasant. I don’t want to reflect on a rushed life and I don’t want to forget what my summers were like because I did not take the time to look around absorbing everything because I was busy planning for winter.
Over-stimulation can be addicting and I have fallen victim to this new disease. Because of it I have missed out on the little details that make our mundane moments a treasure of memories. It’s hard to slow down. Time doesn’t stop for anyone. We can only stop ourselves. I struggle taking those much-needed breaks. Even when I am on vacation or on weekends. My iPhone is like a leash that I have incredible difficulty shaking off. It was the best and worse thing to come across my life’s path. I don’t have an answer quite yet. Meditation has helped a lot, but I am still having a hard time focusing. My DNA is pulling on me to be competitive and aggressive, but I just want to sit back and relax. I just want to be in the moment and in a state of clarity.